I was an extremely competitive kid when I was young. I always wanted to be the absolute best in class and I got the biggest breakdown of my life when I transferred to a new school. For the first time, I was not on the honor roll because I was a transferee. The approval of my teachers was a major goal for me. For me, education meant recognition through perfection and obedience.
As I grew up, I chose to hang out with people I found intelligent. I got attracted to new things as if they were glaring diamonds. I surfed, read so much, attended seminars and workshops, followed online gurus, self-studied complicated things to be acknowledged as a genius, volunteered a lot and even tried all kinds of health and wellness tricks to encompass all aspects of my life. I was still empty.
I started asking myself, what’s wrong with me? Why am I lost and lonely? After pressing my stress-ball many times to release the tension, I had an “aha” moment. Instead of chasing recognition and praises, maybe I should try to understand the fundament of a good and meaningful life? I was never really feeling the meaning of life because I did not believe in it. All I was thinking was to be the best.
The process that followed my question was not easy. What I saw within me was not what I wanted to see. I got ashamed to discover that despite the perfection I was aiming for, I’ve never been close to perfect. I had a lot of physical flaws and my mindset was a lot of garbage. I saw the Princess’s attitude and the feeling of entitlement. I felt self-destructive. For a while, I was not confident anymore. I avoided socialization. It sucked to be me.
Then, I realized if I continued the self-pity, I would never be successful. Once and for all, I stopped perfecting how my life will look good to others, but asked myself, am I feeling good about what I am doing? Will it make me the person that I want to be? What shall I do in order to like myself more each day?
I began to laugh at the years of working hard to please others. Rather, I look into and accepted myself. The fear of rejection and the shame of being me became a nurturing space to plant the seeds of understanding and mercy.
Even now, I am still in this process and the changes are sometimes very painful. It helps to have an understanding husband. Thirty years mired in the mud of narrow conventions have been a long way already. I wish I had a true self-insight when I was younger. I am just glad I now have a more open mind so that I can embrace myself and my potential in a better light.
I’m still struggling, but it’s a meaningful process, and my emptiness is almost gone. I believe fulfillment comes when you have peace inside because your life is no longer a struggle to keep your nose high, pleasing upwards and snubbing downwards, but a journey to realize your potential in a way that helps others, not hurting them.